Ocologist Visit and other stuff

So it was the radiologist that gave me the good news and then I had to go to the oncologist. First though I went to the radiologist because now I'm going to have some preventative radiation of the brain. Apparently this can mess with your memory and make your hair fall out but it keeps whatever cancer cells are left ( if any) from traveling north . So I went for the set up this week, interesting that's for sure. First they put this wet mesh mask over your face and they attatch it to the table you're laying on..if you are claustrophobic this is not for you. Then they do the set up as to where they're gonna ray gun you with radiation. Thankfully this time they marked the mask and not my head ( I had visions of walking around with black dots all over my head.) Anyway this took about 40 minutes ( hey take your time it's my brain we're messing with)and I have to say I was ready to be done and get that mask off by then, The actual treatment only lasts 10-15 minutes so after this set up that'll be a piece of cake. OK so I got that done I might start the radiation next week but I haven't heard from them so we'll see.

Next I go to the oncologist who is a rather bland guy, compared to the radiologist who is Mr. Sunshine. Anyway he dosen't know I know the results so he pulls out the report and asks if I have bronchitis ( I do) and then says well they say they can't find anything so thats good. A congrats we managed to get rid of this disease would have been nice but noooo. So then he starts to try and sell me on the preventative radiation and says he's gonna call the radiologist so I had to tell him he already knew and I'd seen him about treatment already, he seemed amused or maybe he was just happy he didn't have to try and talk me into this because it is a bit controversial. So that was all he had to say except I'll see him in 6 weeks...really exciting guy that one.

Meantime I went to my regular Dr this AM for a B12 shot and everyone in the offie was doing the happy dance when I left. Cool people there.

So tomorrow is Christmas, Chris, Jenny and the baby are coming up and the baby is teething..oh well nothing I haven't been through before.

I hope you all have a great holiday and you all get what you want ( I sure did). Remember the reason for the season ( no not the commercials. ) This year I will hopefully get to watch a Christmas Story all the way through, I've seen that movie at least a dozen times but never all at once.( I do love the Chinese restaurant scene though.)

Have a very Merry Christmas and joy to you all!

My Christmas Gift

This is the Christmas card from Chris' family, that's my beautiful grandson! The good news is I think I'll be around to see him say "Dad what were you thinkin' when you took that picture" LOL

The very good news is I got the PET Scan results from my wonderful radiologist ( I was supposed to wait until next week and get them from the oncologist) who wanted me to actually look forward to Christmas. The news is there was NO cancer detected...did ya get that? NO cancer detected. I cried when the poor guy told me over the phone.Now I get to have some preventative brain radiation so my journey isn't over yet ( so the blog goes on). I need to thank all of you because if I didn't have your prayers and support who knows what the results would have been? I believe we ALL made this happen and I thank you all from the bottom of my cancer free heart and lungs :) I guess I was right when I told Mr. Cancer he picked the wrong bitch!

Gee if I could eat a great meal I think I'd go have one but the side effects linger on, this too shall pass and if not, oh well, I made it through the worst part and I'll carry on from here!

So, that's the news sooner than I thought to be able to share it with you, gotta love Dr. DeBlazio!

Cheers!

PET Scan Day

It's snowing here again, no big surprise and OK before Christmas, it can stop after New Years ad make me happy.

Today was my PET scan, for those of you who haven't had one or those of you who might I have one word BORING. Thankfully the tech was great and it took only one stick to make me radioactive. Then comes the fun, oh I should mention my hospital dosen't own a pet scan machine so they truck a machine and a team to run it in every Thursday. This truck comes from Massachusetts someplace and they cover several smaller hospitals in this area. So when the come for you they take you through the bowels of the hospital out to a loading dock and you get on this open elevator and up to the PET lab you go. OK so you're in this truck that's divided into 3 spaces ( that I could see) the room where they "stick' you, the room where the computers are that run the machine and the room where the machine is itself.

So I go get my radioactive shot and then the tech says " now you have to wait for 45 minutes" what? I'm sitting in a room on a truck in December, not a magazine in sight, no radio, no warning that this was going to happen so I could bring a book or a crossword puzzle...nope just me and the room. He leaves and shuts the door and says he'll see me in 45 minutes, gee thanks. So I sat for 45 minutes, trying to remember old song lyrics, renaming the 7 dwarves evil things, and generally thinking "this is stupid". So they came to get me and then I had to go to the machine room, the next tech said " butt here, head here and put your arms over your head" yippee! I got to lay that way for about 30 minutes although I must say at least the machine made a nice humming noise and I did move back and forth every once in awhile. Oh yeah did I mention by now it was almost 1pm and I hadn't had anything to eat or drink yet ( OK honestly I had some water because they said I could). The machine room was COLD( well yeah it's a truck), they told me to stay still...I hope my shivering didn't mess things up. Anyway finally they came in and said once I went back through the machine they would help me up and I could put myself together and then I was done. YAY We then ran to Dennys where it took me awhile but I found something I could eat and I had a nice hot cup of coffee and life was again good.

So now I get to wait for the results, I happened to run into the radiology Dr. and he said to call him early next week because he'd get the results before the oncologist who ordered the test.

I've decided I can get freaky about these results, they will be what they are and then we'll decide what the next step is, either way it's certainly not the end of treatment to be rid of this crazy disease and it's certainly not the end of me. I still have way too many people to drive crazy before I check out.

Anyway, I have gifts to wrap and some to finish sewing, it's snowing like crazy and it sure is pretty ( I'm home for the night, don't ask me what I think when I'm cleaning off my car in the AM so I can get to work).

When I get the test results I'll share them with you ( good or bad) but for now have a great weekend and let's all keep good thoughts !

Drs. Drive Me Crazy!!

OK so I got a call this week from the PA of the Dr. who handles my radiation g saying they hadn't heard from the oncologist so he called and got the CT scan results and read them himself and everything looked good to him so when did I want to schedule the brain radiation ( that you can only have if there's no cancer detected).

I was confused and told him that the other oncologist had scheduled me for a PET scan because he wasn't sure that I was cancer free. The PA said that the radiologist read the results and he had read them and everything looked fine to them but if the Oncologist wanted a PET scan that was OK. He asked when it was and I told him and told him I had to wait over a week for the results and he said they could get them sooner because I'm having the test at the hospital where I have the radiation and he would have the radiologist call the other Dr and he could let me know what the results were sooner if I wanted him to. ( if I wanted him to???) These guys need to talk to each other !

So I'm now confused, am I OK or not OK? I certainly want to believe the radiologist who BTW worked at Sloan Kettering before he got here so he could "relax" a bit. I had pretty much decided that the results of the PET scan would be what they would be and once we found out what they were we'd decide what to do from there, the party isn't over we're just trying to figure out if it's a sit down dinner or a buffet. Either way I'm not going to let it ruin my grandson's first Christmas!

OK enough of my frustration, I guess they're both looking out for my best interest in their own way they just don't communicate with each other very well ( you'd think they would since they're both the only cancer specialists in this town). My GP who hasn't seen a test result tells me I'm going to be fine, maybe I should just listen to him I've been going to him for over 20 years he knows me better than the other 2 do.

Well it's time to go make some more presents, it keeps me busy and my mind occupied with things other than cancer...that's a good thing.

Another Week

This is a picture of me and Rex from Thanksgiving. Normally I hate pics of me but with the cutest little guy in the world in it I suppose I can stand it.

I think Chris took about 50 pics of us so this probably isn't the best one but I like it. Aren't digital cameras amazing? I remember taking the pics then going to the drug store or Photo Mat and waiting 3 or 4 days if you were lucky. Digital photography is awesome! I must have over 1000 pics of Rex by now, Chris is a little camera happy :).

It's been a quiet week here except for the several inches of snow we got yesterday. The roads are all clear and the snow is still clean so it looks nice. Makes me feel like the holidays too.

I've been shopping and wrapping presents, sometimes I even forget I've been sick until I tire myself out.

Even though I still can't eat alot of different things, my appetite is back..now all I have to do is figure out how to keep this weight off that I've lost when real food ( at least what I can eat of it) tastes so good. I even got my taste back for coffee, for the longest time I couldn't drink it because it tasted so bad to me, then all of a sudden it's OK again...go figure.

I still have a couple of weeks until the next test so I'm trying to enjoy the holidays and keep myself busy. I made another rag quilt this week and I still have some gifts to make so maybe I can sew instead of eat :).

I did find out that cleaning the snow off my van with only one fully working lung can be a challenge, I've decided that turning it on, going back in the house and hoping enough snow melts off so I can drive it is a better plan. We'll see when the real snow flies. Otherwise I'll just have to start sooner and take more breaks I guess. Could be worse, at least we do have someone who plows the driveway.

Work has been keeping me busy, we got new computers that seem to have strange messages on them every day or my old programs won't work with the new OS. Today it told me that my Windows program wasn't the real thing, we called the guy we bought the computers from, hopefully he has an explanation. The person who's going to be doing the other 1/2 of my job starts next week so I guess I'll be busy training her for awhile, that should be fun.

Well I guess I'll go sew something to keep me busy, have a great week!

I Am Thankful

I want to take this time to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you all have a wonderful day with your family and friends.

Also I want to thank you all for reading my ramblings and commenting on them when you feel like it. This blog has helped to keep me sane since last May and I thank you all for being a part of it and my adventures.

I have a lot to be thankful for this year, I have a beautiful new grandson ( that I don't see nearly enough, I should visit), I still have a job and a place to work where they care about my situation and condition as well as the job that needs to get done. I have a great guy who's been with me for every test, scan, chemotherapy appointment, radiation appointment and continues to be my sounding board and a tower of strength, my Mom is still here and although we drive each other crazy, it's good to see her every day and know that if it's soup I want it's soup I'll get, I have Chris and Jenny and know if I need them they'll be there and I have all of you.

I've said before I'm a very lucky person, sure I have cancer but I could be alone in this world with no one to care, I could be uninsured not knowing how I was going to afford medical care, I could be in a lot of physical discomfort and I'm not most of the time. I don't know what the future is going to hold but then which of us do?

So thank you all for all of your prayers, positive energy, funny comments and friendship. You all help to make this road I'm traveling easier and you point me in the right direction when I need to find my way.

If you drink please toast yourself from me, if you don't ,have something yummy and know I'm saluting you and your friendship. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone with my appreciation and affection.

Wow I never fainted before.

Today after work I decided to finally run an errand I keep forgetting and get new batteries put in some of my Fossil watches ( I love Fossil watches I have a few). When I got to the mall my stomach was feeling a bit funny but I didn't really think much of it. By the time I got to the watch kiosk in the mall I needed a ladies room. The young lady at the watch place told me which store could help me out and off I went. As I was on my way I noticed that I was breaking out into a cold sweat , I found a sales lady who pointed me in the direction of the ladies room and also mentioned that I looked a bit flushed. I used the ladies room and while I was in there I called Larry and told him I was at the mall and not feeling very well ( was was sweating like crazy by now)he said he was on his way. I went back out to the watch place and the girl was alarmed at how I looked, I told her I was a cancer patient and she said that she had been several years ago and she knew how things could creep up on you. I went and sat down until she was done with my watches and at the same time I saw Larry. I went up to the counter and evidently I passed out for a few seconds while paying for my watches. Larry revived me and they sat me down again and the mall emergency gentleman came over. By then I was feeling better , they got my coat off and gave me some water, I told them I didn't want an ambulance. They pushed me in a wheelchair to my car and Larry brought me home.Turns out the mall gentleman's mother also has cancer and he understood my problem . Everyone at the mall was extremely nice and made sure I was OK before they let me leave, I appreciate their help.

For me this means I'll be Internet shopping or taking Larry with me from now no. I don't know what caused this but it was scary and I'm still shaky if not dizzy. The kindness of people just touches me and since I've been sick it seems I've met so many kind and helpful people, I need to find a way to thank them all.

The good news is I can now wear 3 of my Fossil watches again since they now have batteries :)

Results Finally

The wait was killing me and then I get to the Dr. and they forget me. I literally had to wait 45 minutes before one of the techs came out and said OMG I forgot you.

Anyway, the news is OK not great as in no cancer detected but OK as in the tumor has shruken consierably from 20 X 11 cm to 6 X 3cm. What we don't know is if it is active cancer or just some scar tissue or the tumor isn't done shrinking yet. It seems radiation can still be working for another month and the tumor can shrink more, not be active cancer, or be active cancer ( this is an option we don't want). So, a month from now I get to have some scanziety all over again while awaiting PET scan results.

I'm still basically living on soup and I'm still tired of it, I want a bacon cheeseburger in the worst way...ahhh maybe next week.

No Results but Angels Among Us

Today I had a ct scan to find out if all the cancer is gone. What I didn't know is that if I had gone to the hospital for the test instead of the lab I could have the results now and be sharing them with you. Next time I'll know better. I'm not in any hurry to go back to the lab anyway since it took the nurse 3 tries before she could find a working vein ( ouch). Anyway that part is done and now I havwe to wait until Monday to see where we stand. With so much positive energy from all of you I don't know how I could get anything but good results. Not to mention the angel I met in Dunkin Donuts this AM after the scan.

Larry and I went to get some breakfast because I couldn't eat or drink anything before the scan. Iced tea was sounding very good to me about then. So we're on line and there's a woman in front of us and she turns around and looks at my bald head and says " I hope you don't mind my asking, are you in recovery?" I said "well I was just at the lab to find that out but I won't know for a few days." She said " I'm in recovery too, I think you're going to be fine." I said " thank you" . Anyway we order our things and the only table is next to this woman , so I sit next to her and she says " I hope I didn't bother you mentioning cancer but I know miracles happen because they happened to me" I told her no it was fine, actually it's nice to meet people who have survived and are so positive. She said " I was given 6 months to live 3 years ago, I have leukemia." I told her about my cancer and how lucky I was it hadn't spread and she said : "All I can say to you is miracles happen " and she asked my first name . She said she would pray for me and she wouldn't forget because I was going to be OK.

So I'm sitting in the darn Dunkin Donuts crying my eyes out knowing that she wasn't just a cancer survivor but someone sent to make me feel better when I was so stressed about the test and what the future is going to hold. God does funny things sometimes, gotta love him!

BTW the angel in the pic is one I made I call her Pearl E. Gates, she's made to make people smile.

Scanziety

Next week I'm scheduled to have the CT Scan that will tell us if my treatment was successful and the tumor is gone. I don't mind saying I'm pretty scared. They tell me the odds are good that the treatment worked and I'll be tumor free, but until I hear it for myself I'm going to be shaky for sure.

Anyway again I'm asking for good thoughts, prayers ,vibes, thoughts and anything else you can muster up that the results will be good and I can think about starting preventative care. Which involves more radiation but not as intense as before.

Update on the 2 cats. They chase each other around the house and hiss alot but they seem to enjoy it, mostly they drive my Mom crazy.

I still can't eat solid food, I get frustrated but there dosen't seem to be anything I can do until the nerves heal. I got a pill stuck in my throat yesterday and had to call the Dr. to find out what to do. Gotta love the country Dr. he said eat a wad of bread and take a drink of milk and if it dosen't work come in. It worked, now I'm just sore from all the coughing.

Winter is fast approaching here, there's been frost on the car a couple of mornings. This was the year I was going to get a car starter so I didn't have to run through the snow to start the car but medical bills used up that little stash of cash, I'm glad I had it put aside even if I didn't use it for a car starter. I've been fortunate to have pretty decent medical coverage so if I had to spend a few unplanned dollars it's OK.

Rex is growing like a weed and I wish I could spend more time with him, maybe that dream will come true before too long, we never know whwat the future might bring.

Well I hope my next message is full of good news, I have faith that what's supposed to happen will happen.

Please keep the good thoughts coming.

Hi Ho Hi Ho It's Back to Work I Go

Last Monday I started back to work part time. I'll admit I was a bit nervous as to whether I could manage it but I think it went pretty well. I went home most afternoons and took a little nap and that seemed to do the trick. Also B12 shots from my Dr. probably don't hurt. I was greeted by a big bouquet of balloons and that definitely made my first day back joyful.

My new kitten has turned into being terror kitty. she has no sense of caution and will "attack" anything, climb everything and run at top speed through the house for reasons only she knows. Poor Emmy, she mostly hisses and growls and this little devil of a Daisy won't even back up.

Yesterday Rexton was baptised in the Brownville Methodist church across the street from my house. This is the church that Chris grew up in so the folks there were happy to see him and thrilled to meet Rex. Rex was a great little trooper laughing and smiling at everyone and even smiling when the water crossed his head. It was almost as if he knew the celebration was for him! I wish they lived closer so I could spend more time with him.

As for me, things are pretty much the same, I still can't swallow whole food and I don't mind saying I'm getting damn sick and tired of soup, I'm trying to add a few soft things but that all depends on how my stomach will accept them as well. I'm still having bouts of random nausea. If I knew what was causing them I'd sure as heck stop whatever it was. They tell me this will all go away but no one seems to want to make an estimate as to when. The only answer I get is " it varys" ugh.

Anyway that's how things are going here, I hoe you all are doing well and getting ready for the holidays, hopefully I'll be able to eat by then.

Emmy, meet Daisy

Imagine my surprise this morning when I woke up and heard 2 cats meowing at the top of their lungs! Actually once cat and one kitten. Daisy the new kid in town is shut in the sewing room at night ( with a litter box, food and water and a light on) so I knew where she was, but when I hit the bottom of the stairs on my way to the kitchen for my morning tea, low and behold there was Emmy!

Emmy was telling my all about her 10 day adventure which she looked no worse for the wear ( what happens in kitty land stays in kitty land I guess). It's been over an hour and she still really hasn't stopped except to take a very brief nap on my bed and growl at Daisy who has been sent back to the sewing room for now and isn't very happy about it.

Ahhh peace at the moment, they both must be gearing up for a new verbal assault. I've never had 2 cats before, I have to believe once they get used to each other it'll be OK but what do I do in the meantime? The first thing I'm going to do it close up Miss Emmy's escape hatch, although I'm glad I left it open for as long as I did or she wouldn't have gotten back in. Then we have to close up the route to the escape hatch, then I can open the basemenet again because that's Emmy's fave place ( figures for a black cat). I haven't let Daisy downstairs yet because she's too little for all the places a kitty can get stuck down there, we got Emmy full grown so she didn't have that problem. Maybe one will reign over the upstairs and one will reign the downstairs..OY. BTW my mother is not pleased we now have 2 cats, oh well it'll give her something to talk to her friends about on the phone for a week or two.

All this and I start back to work on Monday, it never rains but it pours in my life guess that's what keeps me crazy and happy.

What a nice surprise!

As most of you know the town I live in doesn't deliver the mail. You have to go to the Post Office to pick it up every day. So the post office is like the social hub of Brownville, people meet and share their lives daily. I see a lot of the post master because I'm always picking up mail that didn't fit in the box for my mother ( she is legend for so much mail). We get to chatting about our lives and such and become friends. I've been especially close to the current post master and her predecessor for various reasons. It's an odd , once a day kind of relationship but it works. Today when I went in to buy some stamps, Rebecca the current post master handed me a box that said to Sue from Rebecca and Donna, we hope you're feeling better.

I was flabbergasted when I opened this box and found this beautiful quilt that has Bible verses sewn through it. Each verse is printed on it's own square and they are joined with beautiful fabrics. It was made by the Pulaski Comfort Quilters from the Pulaski Wesleyan Church. I'll admit I misted up a bit, I never would have thought that these two ladies that I see so briefly every day would have thought of me so kindly. It is a gift I will cherish forever and I'm planning on finding a wall to hang it on in the very near future.

Emmy where are you?

My cat ran away this week. She didn't just scoot out a door that was open, she actually ripped a window covering off a basement window and took off. I loved that cat. People tell me she may come back but I have to think if she was going to she'd be back when it's below freezing outside. Anyway, another loss to deal with... I'm tired. ( on a side note my 84 yr old mother was sure she'd found Emmy, dead in the yard and it turned out to be a pile of potting soil that had been there all summer..this is my life )

I think I'm going through some kind of PTSD because I've been very emotional lately. I'm in that"what now?" stage of treatment . At the beginning everyone is in a huge hurry to get treatment started and offer help and the Drs. all have their bit to say. Then treatment begins and you feel well and then you feel sick and then you feel well and it's a roller coaster of symptoms good, bad and otherwise. It's radiation everyday so there are people to talk to who understand what you're going through, whether professionals or patients and then one day it all stops.

I refer to this time as cancer limbo because I'm not undergoing treatment although I'm still dealing with some pretty nasty side effects. I don't how how successful the treatment has been and I won't for another month or more, so here I am. I have to say I feel a bit lost.

Next week I'm going back to work, I'm a bit nervous about this too, not because I don't want to, I really do, but because of my side effects that still haunt me when least expected. I'm trying to find a way to keep them at bay for the 3 1/2 hours I'll be at work. Maybe if my mind is occupied with other things they'll go away, I can only hope so.

So now I have to decide if I'll get another cat, I probably will and if Emmy should come back ( hope springs eternal) they'll just have to get along.

As Time Goes By

My dear friend Diane passed away on Sunday. It seems like just yesterday that we were freshmen room mates at Luther College , our first time away from home, trying to act brave and "cool". Who'd have thought that September day over 30 years ago would lead me to this September day. I will miss her, there are memories that only we shared like our madcap trip across country to attend college in Nebraska, and twisting pretzles on a hot summer afternoon in Kutztown, PA. These things seem so long ago and yet not. Rest well my friend.
I found out this week that my radiation treatments will be done next week. I only have 6 to go and then maybe my body can start to heal and I can get closer to the long wanted bacon cheeseburger. This may sound crazy but I'm going to miss going there everyday. It's been a place of security, where folks knew what I was going through and were there to help if I needed it. I think I'm going to feel a bit abandoned for awhile. It won't be long though and I'll be back talking about what we do next. Preventative measures will start in a couple of months.
I'm hoping to go back to work soon too, it'll be good to replace one routine with another and this routine is definately less frightening. My only concern is that I still get so tired very quickly but I'll only be working part time and once I get on a schedule that should help alot.
My grandson is going to be baptized this Sunday, the kids are doing it here in the church that Chris grew up in across that street from our house. Wow I remember taking him to Sunday school when he was just a tot and now Rex will be part of that church family.
Many people have told me that think I should publish this blog. I would like to, with added comments as I look back. I have no clue about publishing except for self publishing and I think this would be too big a project for that. I want to share these thoughts with folks who are going through the same thing and also with the people around them. I've found comfort in sharing my thoughts and I hope I can help others. So if any of you know anyone who knows something about publishing or who might send me in the right direction please let me know. I know the story isn't over but I'd like to get a start on putting it together.

Value Your Friends

I got some very sad news this morning. My college roommate Diane is now in a coma due to complications from colon/liver cancer. She has been fighting this diagnosis for the past 4 years and it appears that the Drs. don't think she'll awake from her coma. Trixie , as I 've always called her is a person who exemplifies what " good people" means. Without her around I wouldn't know what 1/2 of our former classmates were up to, I wouldn't have 10 stories in a book I put together for the program I run and I'd never know how to twist a soft pretzel.

So here I am fighting cancer myself and hearing that my dear friend could be losing her battle...this totally stinks! I was selfishly looking forward to the day when we could sit on a porch somplace with a tall cool drink and swap "war" stories, now they're telling me this may never happen. Dammit!!

I know we all get involved in our own daily lives , work, family , whatever but our friends are the family we pick for ourselves so please let them know you love them and value them even when things are going well . It's never too soon to have that tall glass of something and talk about your lives even if they aren't as close as they once were.

Time Flies

Monday I went back to the Dr. to have him decide if I should restart radiation or wait awhile. He explained to me that with the type of cancer I have, treatment is time sensitive and if we wait too long between treatments it's like losing weeks of treatment. We decided it was beneficial to start again so we did. He said at the time I have 7 or 11 treatments left depending on how burned my skin is after 7. He may decided enough is enough and end treatment there or continue for the last 4. I'll know this next week sometime.

In the mean time I'm still having tummy issues from tech chemotherapy that ended 3 weeks ago. I had no idea this poison could hang around in your system causing chaos for so long. The tech at radiation told me it could go on for awhile yet. I have to say this past weekend was one of the lowest points in my treatment because I was burned, can't swallow anything but liquid and anything I did swallow didn't stay with me for long. I decided I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. But then I reminded myself that this part is almost over and it's only another week or so of treatment, and with every day that goes by I'm closer to getting back to "normal". And, what a good time I'm going to have eating my way across Watertown when I can eat something besides soup again !

Also I've been very concerned about my job and not being there and what was going to happen in the future. I went in and spoke with the director last week and I think we've come up with a plan that will allow me to work half time and the center is going to hire someone else to work half time. That way I can keep doing what I like but I won't be over doing it and the program won't suffer either. This takes a lot of stress away from me right now and I appreciate the way we were able to come to a solution that is good for everyone. Hopefully I'll be back to work no later than mid-October.

Have I mentioned my amazingly adorable grandson yet? No ? Well he is now almost 6 months old and is sitting up and eating oatmeal and all manner of veggies and he is the light of my life !

So it looks like we're coming to the end of this chapter anyway. In the future the Drs and I will be talking abot preventative measures like brain radiation ( Ugh scary) but that'll be after we've retested to find out if this treatment plan has been successful and that nasty tumor has hit the road. We probably won't know that til November some time so keep the prayers and positive energy coming !!

Stay tuned for the update as to when I'll be done cooking in the radiation room !

Too Hot to Handle

Last Friday when I went to radiation the tech said she thought I was getting a bit too red. She told me to make sure I kept cream on my neck and chest all weekend and she'd make sure I saw the Dr. first thing Monday.

I am a very fair skinned person and have a tendency to burn very easily, the radiation is very , very strong and she was right I was getting very red. Anyone who's ever had a very bad sunburn knows you tend to keep "cooking" even after you get in out of the sun and the same is true for radiation, the only difference being you can't use sunscreen when you're getting radiation. So as the weekend progressed so did my burn. When I got up this morning and had to wash off the burn cream in order to go to the Dr. I thought I was gonna die.

It's never a good thing when the Dr. walks through the examining room door and says " Good Morn...oh my gosh you certainly have a nasty burn going on there!" So I've been grounded from radiation until maybe Thursday, which is OK by me because it gives my skin a chance to heal and my esophagus a chance to heal too. It does mean I'll be going to radiation an extra week though, so I think that takes me almost into October. Oh well.

Yesterday was my first Grandparents Day. Chris and Jenny brought Rex up for a visit and he promptly fell asleep on my lap. There's nothing better than a warm cuddly baby to make the world a good place. The other thing I love is the absolute joy that I see in Chris as he interacts with his son, that child will always know his Daddy loves him no matter what..wow!

So I'm done with chemo, on a break from radiation, aside from the side effects it's almost going to be like regular life for a day or two. I guess I'd better not get to used to it thought there's plenty more treatment to come.

Autumn and Other Stuff

Labor Day has passed, I'm not sure where my sunner went, it was mostly burried in a haze of Dr.'s appointments and treatments. Autumn is my favorite time of year. I love the colors and the cooler weather and I love the apples and cider and trips to the cider mill. This year I'll most likely only be able to enjoy cider adn apple sauce but that's OK. Our local cider mill makes a great cider icey too. I'll be heading up there to get one pretty soon.

So, if I was dehydrated last week, I've been REALLY dehydrated this week. So much so that I had to go back to the Dr. to get 2 IVs of saline and electrolytes. I thought I was done with the IVs but that'll teach me! I do feel much better after the infusions though. Hopefully thata'll be the end of my chemo problems, although this last drug still has a hold on my system that it seems not to want to let go. The Dr. gave me better drugs to handle the constant nausea and they seem to be doing the trick. You and only imagine my Mother when for several days I existed on only beef boullion and jello !

So under the ignorance is bliss heading I found out yesterday that the protocol I've been following with the chemo oand the radiation is a one of the toughest there is. I had no idea, but apparently the drugs I was given and the length of ratiation are very taxing for many people. I must say until I got this last new drug that I wouldn't have gotten if the other hadn't become unavailable; my side effects while bothersome were nothing like I've experienced in the past 2 weeks. How fortunate for me that I was so much better for the first 3/4 of the chemotherapy and my sympathies to those who have a horrible time with chemo all the time like I have had the past 2 weeks.

So now I still have about 3 weeks of radiation to go (every day M-F). I feel like a "crispy critter" now, with my radiation induced mega tan. We just changed target spots so hopefull my already crispy skin will get a bit of a break, but probably not. My diet is still liquid and very soft foods, yogurt, soup, some macaroni, ice cream etc. I can say I would kill for a juicy bacon cheeseburger but it's going to be awhile before I can have one of those again.

After radiation is some, then we wait a month or two for everything inside me to calm down and then we see how successful the treatment has been. I think this waiting is going to be tough but I'm praying the results are good and I can get on with my real life.

Anyway, if you get the chance go find some beautiful fall leaves and enjoy the glory of nature. I'll keep you posted on what's happening here while sipping a cider icee!

No More Chemo !

So today was my last chemotherapy appointment, all I can say is it's a darn good thing it was the last one and not the first one or I might never have gone back.

I guess part of the agony was my own fault ( or so they'd have me believe) because I let myself get dehydrated. I didn't know I was dehydrated but I guess I was supposed to know this when I was dizzy and queasy and ached like I had the flu. I thought they were just side effects from the new chemo drug. Also losing 7 lbs in just under a week should be a dead give away but I was just rejoicing in losing seven lbs..silly me.

Anyway the young woman who always takes my blood and knows my veins like her own had the nerve to go on vacation and leave me with a newbie who did a fine job but there was alot of searching for a vein involved why ? beacuse I let myself get dehydrated!

Next the RN who's put the chemo port in every time I've been there decided to let the new nurse on the block try and find a vein. 'My" nurse Donna always put the port in my left hand because she asked if I was right or left handed, new nurse didn't ask and proceeded to dig around in my right hand until I was almost in tears and Donna had to come and help her out anyway. Again my fault, I was dehydrated.

I still had to get the substitute drug because my ususal cocktail was still unavailable. This new drug dosen't have "side" effects" it has walk right up and slap you on the face effects that started before I ever left the Drs. office. Let me just say that these side effects can certaily make a person dehydrated within minutes.

So after about 4 hours I was done, done, done adn now I have a months worth of radiation to deal with and then we see how successful we were. I'm hoping for very!

So the dance of the IV poles has come to an end and no more ports in my hand for days at a time and in a week or so the side effects will fade away. Life is good.

This and That

First let me thank everyone for the birthday wishes I appreciate them all.

After a certain age I pretty much gave up on making a big deal about birthdays but considering the past few months, I was happy to see this one.

My birthday always means that autumn is close. I remember getting school supplies for my birthday most years when I was little. It's a good thing I was usually happier with come cool colored pencils than a doll anyway. Again thank you all for the good thoughts.

In an interesting development in the world of medicine it seems one of the chemotherapy drugs that I have been receiving is virtually unavailable across the country. I haven't been able to discover why this is but it seems to be a nation wide issue. So this week was supposed to be my last week of chemo but it turns out we had to go to plan B with a different drug. Normally I go 3 days in one week and then I'm off 2 weeks. This week I only went 1 day and now I have to go 1 day next week as well. But then I'm done with chemo YAY! This new drug brought a whole new list of side effects with it so I've been a bit queasy and even more tired. I 'm also having radiation every day.

Speaking of radiation, the folks there gave me a nice piece of cake for my B'day. They are a great bunch of peoople, I know I couldn't deal with what they deal with day after day and keep the positive attitude they have.

Here's hoping the the chemo and the radiation will have the desired effects and I'll be on the road to the next step in treatment which is maintenance and prevention.

I'm hoping to feel well enough tomorrow to go to a craft show up by the river. I haven't been anyplace but the Dr. and the occasional store for months so I'm looking forward to seeing some well made crafts and maybe doing some early Christmas shopping.

Well I think it's time for a nap, this new drug is knocking me out, I'm really glad I only have to deal with it one more time !

Top 10 OK Things About Having a REALLY Sore Throat

• In an effort to look on the bright side I've decided to put together a list of the top 10 OK things about having a radiated ( burnt) throat. If you'd like to add to the list feel free.

• 10. Something that feels this bad has to be working.
• 9. No more fast food, they can't hear me at the drive through and I can't swallow it anyway.
• 8. No more singing in the shower and having my "performance"reviewed by my mother. ( true story)
• 7. I'm learning how to eat slowly
• 6. I get to use the Ninja Pro super blender I couldn't live without and have used twice in a year.
• 5. I'll get the chance to try every one of the thousands of flavors of Yoplait. (German Chocolate Cake...really?)
• 4. It is currently impossible for me to "raise my voice" at anyone.
• 3. My cat thinks I am now the "Cat Whisperer" and she likes it.
• 2. I only have to shop 2 aisles in the grocery store
• and the number one reason having a really sore throat can be ok is:
• 1. I can eat ice cream for breakfast if I want to!

It's Going to be Quiet for Awhile

I have just completed week 3 of radiation, because of where my tumor is the radiation is burning my throat and the bottom of my esophagus. Ths makes eating an adventure in soft and or liquid food and I've pretty much lost my voice. They tell me things will stay this way until some weeks after I'm done with radiation which should put it sometime in early October.

This has been and I'm guessing will be one of the biggest challenges so far. There's just so many smoothies one can drink and ice pops one can eat before it all wears thin. Although speaking of thin I might lose a few pounds on this new diet.

I'm not quite sure I understand how some rays of light can make me exhausted most of the time and can make my skin in certain areas look like I've overdone the tanning bed thing but as they say in Cancerland " the cure can be worse than the cancer".

Next week I have to do chemo and radiation again, to be truthful I'm not looking forward to this but then anyone would be foolish to be looking forward to being squeamish for 5 or 6 days although this time I won't care if I eat or not so maybe it'll be OK.

I want to tell you about the woman who has become my "hero". Those of us who go to chemo and radiation frequently get to know each other. While waiting we chat with patients and spouses and the first question usually asked is " where did it get you?". There is this woman , probably my age, who has cancer of the sweat glands, I didn't even know you could get cancer in your sweat glands but apparently she had a primary cancer someplace else and then it moved to her sweat glands. She also walks with 2 canes because of some other problem she has. Well they have begun treating the glands on her forehead and her forhead looks like someone set it on fire and waited awhile to put it out. Many people would be avoiding going out in public because of this but not this lady. Several days a week she sits in the information booth at the hospital door and cheerfully directs people to the right place. I have to say whenever I've about had it with a sore throat and indigestion I just think of her and that's the kick in the butt I need to stay positive and on track.

Anyway if anyone has good smoothie recipes I'd be happy to try them, just a note I'm allergic to bananas and they seem to be in alot of smoothies. I'm ready to use my Ninja Pro blender thingy and make some good stuff!

Sweet Tea and Chemo Brain

Oddly enough sometimes I think going through chemotherapy is like being pregnant. Maybe it's because of the chemical changes in your body , or maybe not, all I know is I haven't had cravings for things like I do these days since I was pregnant. This week's love is sweet tea, I can't seem to get enough of it. Which is OK because dehydration is always a concern with radiation and chemo. Also it's way better than last week's craving which was steak fries with lots of salt.

I've also discovered that I can't make good sweet tea, I don't know why but mine is always bitter. Thankfully the Lipton company sells gallon jugs of the stuff.

This week was a just radiation week so a couple of days I combined my trip to the hospital with other errands I had to run. One morning I stopped to buy gas and I couldn't get the pump to read my card so I could pay outside so the attendant said I should pre-pay inside. I went inside and got distracted buying a bottle of ( you guessed it) sweet tea, paid for my gas and tea walked out of the store and drove away. When I got to the parking lot of my next stop a nice lady told me my gas cap was open...well of course it was because I left the gas station without ever pumping the gas! This is called chemo brain.

I had two stops to make before I could get back to the gas station ( a Dr.'s appt. and radiation) but I was lucky enough that when I did get back the same woman was still there and she recognized me ( probably hard to forget a large bald woman) and let me pump my gas.

Speaking of chemo brain, I'm down to one last series of chemo treatments and they will happen the week of my birthday, I have a feeling I won't be interested in any cake that day. My oncologists PA apologised and I said "hey if it means I get to have a birthday next year I can totally give this one over to treatment". She liked that, but really I'm very lucky.

Sue, you have lung cancer how can you think you're lucky? Well, yes I do have lung cancer but it hasn't spread anywhere else, so far the treatment while tiring and sometimes sickening hasn't been horrible and I have a great support system of friends, medical professionals and family, so how am I not lucky? I figure if I have to have cancer I did it right. I don't know what the future is going to bring but right now things are going well and that's all I can think about.

So, now I think it's time for some tea, and if anyone out there knows how to make not bitter sweet tea let me know :)

It's hot, it's cold...arghhhhhh

As I've mentioned, on Friday I finished a tough week of chemo and radiation. Still a bit chemo queasy I decided to just stay in my room and relax. I noticed that my room wasn't feeling very cool and I thought well maybe it was the radiation..it can sometimes make you feel over heated like when you get out of a tanning bed.

So I asked Larry and he said, it wasn't me, the room wasn't it's usual iceberg temperature. He looked at it and tried to blow the dust out of it and did whatever you're supposed to do to try and fix an A/C and declared it on it's way out.

So here was my problem, this was 7:00 on a Friday night and Larry was going to be away on Saturday so we had to figure out something pretty quickly. I should mention that since I've been going through the whole cancer thing the A/C is my life saver because it also keeps a lot of the pollen that I'm allergic to out of my already not so happy lungs.

So the question then became, buy a new one or switch from the sewing room ( as you may remember I waited for that one to get put in so I could actually be able to spend some time sewing). Well, we set my mother to one of the things she does best; making phone calls and soon found out that the warm weather had cleaned smaller room size A/Cs out of the general area but we could wait for the 10pm truck at Walmart if we wanted to.

Needless to say in the next few minutes we were pulling the one out of the sewing room and it was blissful! Until this AM when I noticed it making odd noises ( could this be why I replaced it with the one I had been using and this was still in the attic?). Well the crazy thing is a block of ice ( inside where the filter screen is). So now I'm waiting for it to thaw out and I guess we'll have to figure out why it's not draining or what ever it is they do to get rid of the water.

Hopefully we'll get this all figured out today before it gets really warm again....like that lady said : "It's always something!"

Yay for Friday

Well I made it through a week of chemo AND radiation, a challenge but done!

I've slept a lot this week, not only because of the insane fatigue but also the queasy feeling the chemo gives me. To me tired and queasy = sleep. It was also very hot and humid up here this week so there really was no place for me to be but in my room in the A/C . Today is beautiful, much cooler and less humid.

Those of you who know my mother know she's obsessed with food, not so much eating it as feeding it to other people. The standard joke is that her tombstone is going to say "what can I get you?". Anyway, the fact that I'm borderline sick to my stomach for 4 or 5 days every time I have chemo is a huge issue for her because I have no idea what I'm going to be able to tolerate from one day to the next. Today a friend of mine took her to the grocery store and before they left she asked me ( just back from chemo and radiation) what I wanted her to get for me. I said " I have no idea" and her response was " can't you just make believe you're not sick to your stomach for a minute and give me an idea?" OY!

I know it can't be easy living with someone who feels yucky a lot of the time and I do try to stay out of every one's way when I'm really feeling icky. I also know it's scary to have someone you love have a disease like cancer and you want to help and you don't know what to do, as someone who's been on both sides of the issue all I can say is neither side is any fun. Having said that though I've learned that if you let it, the disease can consume your daily life. I try very hard not to let this happen, and if I feel myself sliding down that slope I quickly kick myself in the butt and set myself straight.

When I was first diagnosed of course I was scared and angry and all those things but I also didn't have any sense that life goes on anyway. I thought "oh I have cancer, life as we know it will now stop" well it doesn't and it won't and that's a good thing because that's what keeps me going everyday.

So now I get the weekend off before I start radiation again on Monday, my stomach should be back in shape in the next day or so and I can enjoy the cooler weather and let my Mother cook me dinner.

Chemo,Radiation and a Nap

Today I started round 3 of chemo and 6 weeks of radiation. As always day 1 of the chemo round was 3 hours long ( the others are an hour) and I got to do the IV pole dance again although today I didn't have any partners so it was a solo act. As soon as I finished there we took off over to the cancer center at the hospital for radiation. They were backed up so what should have been 15 minutes took about 45. No big deal, they have a very nice waiting room.

I know I mentioned that I was supposed to get my tattoos today but I didn't because they were running behind ( translation , in 5 minutes it's lunch time). So we'll do that tomorrow , or so they say.

I never realized that having cancer could cause such bathing issues. I' m person who loves her showers and baths and since they've marked me for radiation and put these little plastic stickers on me I've had to just "rinse" because there are magic marker marks that need to stay there too. I've been afraid to take a nice bubble bath because I have this fear of seeing the little plastic things floating by. There are only 2 that would actually be submerged but for all I know those are the most important 2.

Then today they put in the port for the chemo ( under that huge mound of gauze), that stays in all 3 days, it's in the back of my left hand. I can't get that wet either ( note Eeyore watch, I love Eeyore). The last 2 times I used a glove from some hair coloring I had since I don't have any hair to color right now but I'm out of those. I'll ask for a couple of gloves at chemo tomorrow. So I guess tomorrow morning I'm just gonna "rinse" with my left hand sticking out of the shower curtain. Hmm maybe there's another old box of hair color in that cabinet.

When I got home I had some lunch ( I try to eat decent meals before the chemo gets around to turning my stomach upside down) and then it was nap time. I remember how Chris used to fight nap time when he was little, eventually I gave up forcing the issue and I'd inevitably find him sleeping someplace like on the living room floor. I, on the other hand, have come to like nap time because it literally gets me through the day. If I didn't come up here to my room and stretch out in the air conditioning I'd probably just fall asleep in a chair someplace and wake up a sore mess. Pretty soon I'll have to tell my grandson Rex that nap time is a good thing. Maybe he'll listen to his crazy grandma :).

Anyway, day 1 of radiation done, only 30 something more to go, hopefully I'll have my tattoos before it's over so I can really take a shower!

The Calm Before the Storm

This has been a pretty quiet week. Just a couple of appointments and some paperwork.

Today I went to have my "dry run" and the radiology center. This is when they make sure all the rays and pointed towards the right places. The techs were very nice and told me I'll get my tattoos next week. Up until a couple of days ago I had no idea that these plastic circles with permanent marker under them were going to turn into tattoos. This is so I can bathe ( good plan) while undergoing radiation and not erase the all important marks. I checked into how they do these tattoos, I had visions of the guys from LA Ink showing up , but that's not the way it's done. Apparently the skin is broken a bit and then some India ink is added and you get a fake wrong colored freckle. All I can relate it to is when I was in 8th grade and I had to get vaccinated and the Dr. scraped my arm and then put the medicine in it and it got a huge scab on it but I didn't feel badly because everyone had one as it was part of the High School physical procedure. Well anyway they tell me they're permanent and hardly noticeable and it's recommended that you don't get them removed just in case you need to be radiated again someday because I guess the can't radiate the same spots twice. Maybe when it's all over I'll have them connected ( connect the dots la la la la ) OK probably not.

So on Tuesday we start the chemo - radiation combo pack, on Tues-Thurs I have chemo and then go straight to radiation, then I have 2 weeks with just radiation, then we do the chemo-radiation thing again. If I said I wasn't a bit nervous about this I'd be lying, but I also have to work hard to keep a positive attitude and think of those radiation beams as life saving beams of light.

Speaking of chemo, they gave me this prescription for pills to take on chemo days to help keep nausea away. So before I start chemo I go and get this 3 pack of pills, one for every day. I have insurance so I've been paying my usual co-pay for these pills and not thinking anything of it. Then the other day just by chance I looked at the paper that came with them from the pharmacy...are you ready? 3 pills= 353.00. What the heck are they made of ,gold? This then freaked me out because I have a 3,000.00 yearly cap on my rx insurance. I have a feeling we'll have blown through that before long. I'm telling you for 115.00 plus a pill they should walk to your house introduce themselves, promise that you will never feel the least bit queasy again in your lifetime and then side down your throat while singing " On Top of Spaghetti". And the drug companies have the nerve to complain..ugh. I live 20 miles from Canada they're probably sold over the counter up there.

Anyway that's been my week so far, I can actually taste food this week so I think I'll go out for a nice dinner, heaven knows once the radiation/chemo thing starts there's no way to tell how things will taste.

Oh yes one more thing, I have to tell you that if you use a thermal mug for anything hot or cold like coffee in the AM or whatever in the PM the best ones I have ever used are made by Contigo. Margie bough me a couple from QVC and I was a total skeptic ( who me?) but I have to say ,you can turn one of these things upside down in your tote bag and it won't spill and it keeps coffee hot almost all day and ice cubes will still be there in the morning ( I use it for my bedside because I wake up with a dry mouth a lot at night). So now I feel like Oprah but I can't afford to send you all one, although I wish I could :)

Just Thinkin'

I don't know about you but I spent my morning half nekkid on some sort of a machine table while a young man drew lines and asterisks all over the top half of my body. No it wasn't me working to cross something off my "bucket list", it was a trip to the radiology office. Apparently this is how they figure out where to shoot the gamma rays or whatever you call them. So my new friend Pete ( you may remember Pete from my previous post about someone who could stand to get a different job)who today was a nice as nice could be, measured, viewed, and marked my body with bright blue marker and some clear sticky dot thingys. I was then told we were done until next week and I should try not to wash all the marks off because they're important. I was also told next week they'll give me marks that will last through all 6 weeks of radiation...fun.

In the past few weeks I've spent a lot of time trying not to move while some test or another was being done. Sometimes I've moved into a machine, sometimes the machine has moved over me, sometimes there was a combination of both but always someone says " try not to move and just breathe normally". During the first couple of tests I remember my mind was racing, I was wondering what was going on, I was praying, I was making a list of things to do, I was trying so hard not to move that I'm sure I was. Now I couldn't tell you what , if anything I'm thinking, I think I sort of found some zen place where I know what's going on ( as much as I need to) but I sort of "zone out" and I'm usually a bit startled when someone says "OK we're done". So maybe having cancer has taught me to meditate in some odd fashion, cool.

Chris and Jenny were here with the baby last night. He is growing so fast! Jenny said her sister says he looks like me, could be, especially now that we're both sporting the bald look. All I know is he's the apple of my eye and I can't wait til he gets old enough so I can tell him some great stories about his Dad .

Well, I think it's nap time, I think I need to stretch out without someone drawing on me or some machine humming for awhile.

What a Day!

This has been one roller coaster of a day! It started with a CT scan this morning and I have to say I finally met the one technician at the Imaging/ Cancer Center who should look for a new line of work and soon. Up until now no matter how uncomfortable the test was the people were great, today this young man turned a simple CT scan into a ride on the anxiety train that lasted for way too long. If he had bothered to read my chart ( that he had in his hands) he would have known that yes I've had 2 rounds of chemo and yes we were doing this scan to see if the tumor has gotten any smaller and therefor easier to shoot full of radiation without harming healthy lung tissue. But he knew none of this and looked extremely skeptical as I told him, he then handed me a towel and pointed to behind the CT machine and said " you can just go back there and take off your shirt and bra and hold this towel over yourself and lay down on the machine. Call me when your ready." By then I was so flabbergasted I did what he said and ended up having to move some medical equipment to make space for my clothes. At any rate I managed to get through the scan but his questioning attitude had me a bit crazy especially on a day when I was waiting for the MRI results.

On my way to the test I dropped my car off at the garage, my AC hasn't worked all summer ( nice when you can't breathe) and I had a tire I thought had a slow leak. I no sooner finished with the CT scan then they called from the garage to tell me that the tire was shot and it would be 137.00 for a new one was that OK ? ( no I wanna ride around on 3 wheels ) They hadn't started on the AC yet.

So off to the oncologist we go, I get my blood drawn and then it's sit in a room til they get around to you. The oncologist himself came in which is unusual, normally I see his PA. He does a brief exam and asks me when I say the radiologist last. I say I haven't seen him but I had a CT scan this AM. He says " well let me see if they've read it yet" and disappears. Meantime after about 10 minutes of waiting I hear him say, " Yes I have Susan Kirkegaard here" and then someone had the nerve to either shut his door or make some noise and I couldn't hear what he was saying....torture I tell ya torture! After another 10 minutes but what seemed like an hour he came back in and said " well, things look very good."

So here's my awesome news! The tumor has shrunken by about 50% and no cancer detected in my brain . So that means no cancer in my lymph nodes, bones or brain, and the chemo is working on the tumor!

The next step is chemo and radiation at the same time. 6 weeks of radiation and 2 more rounds of chemo. I have a feeling this won''t be the best 6 weeks of my life but if it kicks this crap out of me I'll fight my way through it kicking and screaming the whole way!

So, thank you for all of your prayers and positive energy and good thoughts. I truly believe you all are as much a part of this healing as the medicine is.

Oh yeah and another victory today I actually got my usually stoic oncologist to smile !

Lots to Be Thankful For!

I finally got my appetite back! Now this isn't something that I would have rejoiced about several months ago when I was fighting my never ending battle of the bulge but these days after existing on flat ginger ale and saltine crackers ( did you know different brands have different tastes, I thought they were all the same) I am thankful to be able to enjoy "real" food again.

While I'm talking about being thankful I need to thank all of you who have sent gifts, cards, happy thoughts, and encouragement. I think I have thanked all of you personally but if by some chance I missed you, please know it's chemo brain and not that I'm not grateful. In fact in the wee small hours of the morning it's you guys who give me the guts to stay positive and not let this crazy turn of events in my life get me down. Lord knows I've had lots of crazy twists and turns in my life and I somehow always manage to come out on the other side in one piece and I expect that I will this time too. The Kirkegaard/Bevilacqua clan is planning a trip to Disney World in 2012 and I plan on being there to introduce my Grandson to "the mouse".

In unrelated news I think I've found my chemo style, I know this won't surprise many of you but I've decided the scarf or bandanna is the way to go for me. I spied a whole display of bandannas in every color in Walmart for like a buck a piece and I've decided that's my style. I'll hold out on the cranial prosthesis for special occasions and when it's not 90 degrees. My hairdresser really liked the wig and she's decided when my hair grows back we're going to go for that color and hi lights , we'll see, by then I might just be a happy gray haired grandma.

Anyway, I just wanted to send you all an update and thanks and let you know the "food crisis" has passed. I wonder how much you have to eat at the Chinese Buffet before they cut you off? ( Just kidding)

This One Kicked My Butt

Well this last round of chemo was a doozy! I've mostly been sleeping and trying not to feel too sick to my stomach for 3 days now. They gave me pills for the nausea and I guess they sort of work but it's that growling stomach thing that makes me crazy. I know I should just put on my big girl panties and deal with it but I must admit I haven't been exactly in the mood to tough this out. I guess like every side effect I've encountered, once I know how long it's going to last and how bad it can get I'll be OK. Right now though , I'm tired of crackers and tea and ginger ale, this too shall pass.

I did go and get my head shaved this morning, no more clumps of hair all over the place, YAY! I've decided there are good things about having my head shaved like no bad hair days, less things to move on my dresser when I dust ( no hair products), money saved in dye, no using a blow dryer in the summer, no "bed head", and a perfect hair do whenever I want one thanks to my cranial prosthesis. I have to admit every time I go by a mirror I do a double take but I'm sure that'll stop as time goes by.

In the meantime I think it's time to go stretch out again and wait for the "stomach grumblies" to pass.

Round Two Complete!

Yesterday I had an MRI of my brain. I have to say out of all the tests I've had this was the most annoying. First let me say that whoever designed the MRI must be a thin person because these machines are not made for people of girth. At 55 years old I can finally relate to what a sardine must feel like, not that this has been a goal of mine but I experienced it yesterday. OK so add to the feeling of a golf ball being sucked into a garden hose, a lot of noise! They gave me headphones tuned to my favorite radio station, I couldn't hear any of the music over the din of the MRI machine. Then at some point I heard what I thought was a voice saying I have no idea what and then pushed me out of the tube long enough for some faceless person to shoot me full of dye and then they sent me back in for the big finish. I must say the technicians were very nice but the whole experience was not pleasant. Oh did I mention how hot it was in that machine and how there was a brace over my head to hold it still? Anyway it's over and if I have to have it done again I'm going to ask for the plus size machine.

I finished round 2 of my chemo today which means I'm 1/2 way through. In a couple of weeks I'll have a CT scan so we can see if the tumor is shrinking and then we'll talk radiation. While I'm impatient to get things done I also want to come out of this with the best results possible so I'm just going with the flow.

Speaking of flow, I was pulling hair out of the bathroom drain this AM and decided that it's time to get rid of what little hair I have left so Monday I'm going to get my head shaved. I'm OK with this but my mother isn't taking it well, I don't know why except that now when she looks at me it'll remind her I have cancer. So far my hair is really the only indication that I'm not well, I haven't lost any weight ( as the MRI machine could tell you), no dark circles under my eyes. Outside I look pretty darn healthy, it's just inside things are a big nasty mess. I do sleep a lot though, today when I got home I slept from about 1:00 til 6:00, it's about 8:30 now and I'll be out cold by 11 at the latest. It's always that way right after chemo, then in a week or so I'll get some more energy back. It kind of bugs me that I'm home with all this time on my hands and I don't get anything done because I'm just too tired, but I guess that's why I'm home in the first place.

I read this cool quote today which kind of says where I am right now: " She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going....but she was on her way" from Jodi Hill

Oh I'm on my way alright, back to being a healthy me, it's just gonna take some time.

Once More With Feeling

Today began round two of my chemo. I have to say it was easier to go there now knowing what to expect.

Some other folks must be on the same rotation as I am because we recognized each other from the last time. For the most part the people there are pretty up beat this goes for patients and companions both. There was a new gentle man there today and he had what looked like his son and maybe his daughter with him. They were very serious and I think were kind of off put early in the morning when they heard the laughter coming from my end of the room. After an hour or so they started to relax.

Of course we had the IV pole ballet again but it was only a pas de deux today which made things a bit easier. We also talked about having a Christmas in July day and decorating our poles to look like Christmas trees. One woman was really getting into it figuring out how she could use battery powered lights and how she's stick a star on top. Those who have gone through this before me are right, attitude is everything, I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm going to laugh my way through this as much as I can because it's darn good medicine.

Speaking of IV's, I don't always have "easy access" veins so everyone uses the back of my left hand, it's constantly black and blue now. When I have chemo they put the little "port" thingy in my vein and then leave it there for the 3 days so they don't have to keep finding a new place and sticking me again...good plan, worked like a dream last time. This time the nurse that did it put it too close to my wrist so everytime I go to use my hand it reminds me it's there...annoying for sure. But then I remind myself it's only for 2 1/2 days and so what if my hand hurts a little. Next time will be better . I'll make sure of it :)

In unrelated randon thoughts: I seem to have developed a fondness for ginger ale..only Canada Dry though. Come to think of it my Dad had a fondness for ginger ale but his always had a splash of Seagrams 7 in it.

My grandson the amazing Rex turned over for the first time yesterday his Twitter ( yes, he has a Twitter courtesy of his Dad) said "Yeah, so I rolled over today. I'm kind of a big deal. People know me." Gosh I love my crazy family ! But again ya gotta laugh.

I predict that by this time next week I will have alot in comon with a cue ball, my hair is leaving faster than folks leaving NYC in the summer on a Friday afternoon. I'm thinking this will take at least 10 minutes off my morning prep time because that's all the time I spend on my hair anyway. I think I have the formula down, wash and dry head, go "naked" or put on a scarf, hat or cranial prosthesis ( wig). I could start to like this :)

Tomorrow I go to chemo and then I get to have a brain MRI, I guess they want to know if I have one and if I do why it works the way it does ( OK maybe not the why it works like this part). Actually it's part of the diagnostics, they want to make sure no little cancer cells decided to travel to parts north. Here's hoping they didn't and like my bones all is clear. Can you even imagine how my brain would work if they had to zap some cancer cells? We all know it works a little off center now, I don't think I want to know what a couple of zaps of radiation could do...unless it would help my spelling that woud be great!

Hot Day Activity, Cleaning Out Drawers

Well the extreme heat and humidity has made it necessary for me to stay in my room. Usually I can get out and wander down stairs for a little awhile, grab a soda or snack and come back but today, not so much.

I still don't have AC in my sewing room so I'm pretty much stuck here with the computer, a Law and Order marathon , a jigsaw puzzle ( 1000 pieces, penguins) and drawers I can clean out.

Cleaning out drawers can be interesting, I seem to have a few "junk" drawers up here, so far I've found my AARP card that I didn't know was missing, , a few unmatched earrings...what do you do with earrings you like, but lost the partner to? I seem to hang on to them in hopes the other will materialize someplace, they never do. I suppose I could have another hole punched in one ear so I could wear them or just start a new trend by wearing 2 different earrings. Maybe I'll just put them away in case I find the missing mate.

Then there are all those things that don't really have a "place" , an old cell phone, watches that need batteries, batteries for things other than watches, flashlights that don't take the same size batteries as the ones you have. I have some computer cords I'm afraid to toss because I might need them, even though I have no clue what they go to , and then there's the A/C adapter that I know plugs into something but I don't know what. I know with all my heart the minute I toss one of these things I'll need it.

I did find a couple of cool things though, I found a note my son wrote to the tooth fairy asking for a toy instead of cash because it wasn't always easy for him to get to the store...always thinking that kid! I'll save that and give it to his son someday. I found a little box with my Dad's tuxedo shirt studs in it, do they still use those or is it all buttons now? Dosen't matter they're special to me either way.

So I guess it hasn't been a bad thing to be really stuck in here all day, I found some cool memories and everything else is a least neater then when I started. Maybe I'll find the earring mates or the thing I need the A/C adapter for tomorrow when I tackle the closet.

Bad Hair Day

Yesterday while I was washing my hair I got a handful (of hair that is), my first thought was "damn that's gonna clog the drain" and then I thought " and so it begins". I decided to get it cut short so once it all goes ( if it does) it won't be that freaky and also so I wasn't shedding everywhere ( ick). So I called my hairdresser but she was booked into next week sometime and next week is chemo week for me so I went to the mall.

I was lucky enough to get a very nice young lady who's mother in law had gone through chemo so she understood what I was looking for and did a nice job with my new short "do". For those of you who've known me forever think high school for those who haven't think realy short LOL.

So I've been trying to decide what my chemo style is going to be. Of course I have my cranial prosthesis ( aka wig) but I honestly can't see me wearing that every day, especially in the summer and especially with the warnings I've gotten like don't get too close to a BBQ grill or it'll melt...OY! I'm not really a scarf person, I'd likely hang myself while trying to tie some of those creations. So that leaves au natural or hats. I bought a nice denim "bucket " hat yesterday covers everything, I had a " Life is Good" cap with a daisy on it that I really liked but I seem to have lost it so I guess I'll have to go get another. I could do the bandana thing but I think without hair there's nothing to keep a bandana from sliding off unless I tie it so tight I give myself a headache. You can buy little glue kind of strips to keep things in place, this is just getting too complex for me. I saw in a catalog that they sell "fringe" which is like bangs and hair that will show below a hat or scarf...oh come on! All I could think about then I read that were those dreadlock hats they sell at Halloween.

As I've said before, if a few months without har is part of the price of saving my life I'm all for it, and I guess I'll figure out my chemo style as I go along just as I have with most everything else on this crazy ride.